I drew my first breath
of God's Air on the 31st December 1958 in Napier New Zealand.
My mother had
been going through a terribly rough time in life when she discovered she
was pregnant with me. Another baby was the last thing
she needed right now.
The family were going
through pretty bad hardships financially, as well Dad was laid up in
hospital sick with nephritis.
She only had enough
money coming in for limited food which she gave to the other two
children first and foremost, even before herself. She thought it
would be best that this pregnancy be terminated, but in those days it
was not something to be discussed, she just had to cope through it; but
beneath the surface she hoped that the baby would not survive due to the
fact that she was starving anyway. She did however drink a
lot of milk, due to the severe heartburn she suffered with, which was
possibly instrumental in saving my life.
After the birth she went
through the guilt of not wanting me in the first 9 months of life.
When I was born, she cried with delight, (and guilt), as she saw
in front of her an angel. She had never seen such a beautiful baby.
My skin was an olive tone and my hair was dark and thick. My eyes
were a light blue that penetrated through to her soul.
She
fell in love with me the moment our eyes and soul met. I was no
longer an unwanted baby. I was indeed an angel directly from God sent
especially to her, and she would somehow manage with the extra burden of
this child no matter what it took.
I was aptly named after
an Australian movie called 'The Shiralee', which actually means a burden
of Love. 'Shiralee' became the name that represented this
body, for this life. My last name 'Shepherd' is just as ironic, as
I was indeed to be a divine servant of God's as a 'Shepherd' for many
souls sent my way, this was to be my purpose in this life.
My mother and I
had a most special and strong bond between us. We were extremely
close and the rapport we had was very special, it was like this special
secret 'knowing' between us.
We were best friends, we liked who each
other was. We loved each other that had no conditions, it just
was! The poem below was one I wrote as a very young teenager.
Mum loved it, as mothers do.
Mother
Mother of
mine, you gave me life.
You gave me love unequal to none.
You gave me sympathy in times of pain.
You gave me strength in spans of weakness to carry on.
You have understood, when no one else could.
You have been my haven, at times of despair.
You've enriched me with pride,
By way of your unlimited heart.
You've given completely,
Your friendship and your love.
Mother of mine, My Friend, My Mum.
My mother had developed
an addiction problem with alcohol that seemed to escalate out of control
after I left home.
She and dad went to live
in Australia in 1986. I missed her so much, that I was urged to
move over there to be near her in 1989. At that stage I had two
children of my own. I had been married and divorced and had lost
touch with who I was. I needed a brand new start, I thought what
better way than to go back to the source and start again, perhaps I will
find myself again.
Once I was there I
realised how bad mums drinking problem had become ... it was like I had
lost her.. our connection was never the same, the 'knowing' had faded
behind a dark cloud.
Alcohol had become
the source of her life, and we all become second priority. I did
not blame her for this; my heart merely ached for her obvious
unhappiness. I missed her so much, and my heart bled as we could do
nothing but watch her slowly kill herself. Of course we tried
intervention many times but always to no avail.
I wrote the following
poem which some how eased my grief, somehow I was given the acceptance
of 'what is' and I handed it over to God.
Silent Tears
With distant gaze a silent tear
Trickles down your shattered heart
Memories of so long ago
Poured into another glass
Wasted time on a past that's dead
You've lost the beauty of your now
Drinking from a pool of unshed tears
I watch you slowly drown
I scream your name, you do not hear
In your world of grief
You look through me as if I were not there
As you gulp your poisoned drink
Ten thousand years it seems to be
A million life times passed
Since we connected in our special way
I cry for you my mom
All these years have flown by
Yet you remain alone
Suffering in your sorrowed way
While I wait by your side
As Mum got older she
suffered from many illnesses. First she developed Parkinson's
Disease, then she suffered a stroke that later caused Vascular dementia.
2004 we found a large house together so that I could take care of her,
which would give dad a much needed break. Dad was to move in with us
after he sold their small 2 bedroom home. Painfully for them though
their home was burnt to the ground by arson, before it was sold. That
was when Dad moved in with us.
In
May 2006 Mum was diagnosed with mouth cancer. It was aggressive
and uncontrollable. Before
she died, there was a small moment in time that through the
illnesses and drugs that she was on, we touched and found 'US'.
We were alone often, but she was very lucid this particular day and we
began to speak of her impending death and she told me how she wanted her
things divided, etc.
Then for the longest
moment in time she just stared at me, and I back at her. Our eyes
locked and we 'connected' for one last moment in time, I went over
to her, I knelt down on my knees and we hugged, then she took my face in
her hands and kissed my face all over, my eyes, my nose, my chin just
like she use to do when I was a little girl when she'd tuck me in at
night.
I soaked up this small
frame of time, into a memory that I knew would have to last me the rest
of my life; that moment in time that dried all those silent tears.
Too soon after that, the dementia and the cancer drugs took her from me
again, until her death.
She
died in my arms on August 10th 2006 at home, my father and sister
were there with her also.
My Father, daughter and I
moved into a smaller home, a government department house, where we live
today. I continue to take care of my father now, as at the ripe
age of 82 he has suffered the last year after mums death with ill
health. He is constantly in and out of hospital with pneumonia.
We have a very simple life,
and I am completely content and happy with my lot. I feel rich
with all that I have, the blessing and grace that God piles upon me
every day, sustains my heart every moment. I never want for more than I
have in my now. I have learned to accept all that is, as it is all
Gods Will, and I merely have faith in this Truth and his knowing. What
more is there than that?
1994 was the time that my
quest ended and turned into a journey, that year I turned 36 ... that
year my teacher came to me in a dream and my life turned around in many
360O turns,
till my head was spinning. That year I surrendered in August, to this
mad guru who came to me in a dream. If he could prove to me he was
who he claimed he was in my dream, and get me to India to see him for my
36th birthday, then that would be the miracle that would need to
happen to make me trust in Him, He had the next 3 months to pull it off.
If he could do that, then I promised I would stay a loyal and faithful
devotee to Him for ever.
Not only did I go to India
just before xmas, I was also married to someone I had known only 3
months and was there with my mother inlaw and 6 year old daughter on my
honeymoon. Pays to be careful what you ask for, ha ha. Of
course all of that is another story.
My spiritual path has been a
silent path, and one which I have mostly walked alone with God.
The transition of my Mothers passing was very symbolic in as much that
it symbolized the ending of the 12 year journey, blending into the
'awakening'.
I will write more on my life
stories as the spiritual path unfolds ... and I will fill in some
details from my past spiritual experiences as time goes on ...
... Sarveswara
This Family shot was taken about eight
months before mum died.
