SARVESWARA'S
QUEST:
I have very limited memories
of my past. But I recall how I often told myself this is
something I have to remember for when I am older or bigger.
Those are the memories though
limited I still recall. The first memory I have, is when
I was approximately 2 - 3 yrs old.
It was a Sunday, I knew that
because my mother and father was sleeping in. This only
happened on a Sunday, as dad worked long hours as a Theatre manager
and Sunday was his only day off. So they were sleeping and we,
me and my brother and sister knew to be quiet, until dad had had his
sleep.
My brother and sister were
getting themselves breakfast because they could, they could reach
the cupboards and fridge unlike myself who was too little. I
was hungry and I had asked both of them if they would get me some
breakfast too. Neither one would get me anything to eat.
I was so frustrated, that's
when I started telling myself to recall this moment in time. I
want to remember what it felt like not to be able to do things as a
small child, helpless and dependant on others, yet have an awareness
of the knowing within me that the body was unable at this stage to
perform because of its limited age and size.
I threatened them I would wake
up Dad and tell on them. They just laughed and said "sure go
on tell, we dare you."
By then I was so angry and
frustrated I did just that. I snuck quietly at first
into mum and dads room, I peeped in and saw they were both sound
asleep. I gingerly waddled over to Dads side of the bed which
was the closet to the door. I started to shake him at little
at first then harder and harder, "dad, dad, dad, they wont get me
any breakfast, and I am hungry! ", I was telling him indignantly.
I was either going to get into
trouble or they were, but something made me take that risk.
Finally he began to stir, my heart was starting to beat rapidly in
fear. "what is it" dad slurred out to me with his eyes still
closed;
"Daddy, Esther and Punchy wont
make me any breakfast and I am hungry".
In his sleep his hand came out
toward me and he held his fist at me, but his thumb was
extended, at first I thought I was going to cope it, but why was his
thumb sticking up like that I wondered, suddenly I heard him slur,
"here, suck on this".
I was totally distraught. No
one understood my dilemma, didn't any one realise how I felt being
hungry and watching others feed themselves and not help me to get
food. I will not forget this ever I told myself, because for some
reason this is going to be an important memory.
It certainly has been a most
important memory for me as I have remembered a very significant
aspect of life. Which has helped lead me to my belief
today.
I am not the body.
(This is something that swami teaches. When I
first heard him say those words I related immediately to that truth,
due to this particular memory).
With that memory I recall the
feeling of being a 'knowing' and comprehending the whole situation
from a space of looking down at myself, watching the body, as the
play unfolded. I recall also the helpless and frustrating feeling of
being trapped in a body that cannot help itself or defend itself,
but most of all I remember watching myself in my knowing space, the
child part of me was frustrated, yet the knowing part of me knew it
was part of a process and I just had to be patient.
I remember telling myself how
one day when this body grows up and gets bigger I
can defend myself and not have to rely on others, but most
importantly I can share with everyone how I was an ageless soul
within the body witnessing the Childs efforts for recognition, yet
due to the child's inabilities was unable to communicate its
Truth at that moment in time .
I knew I just had to wait for
the process of life for the soul within to be able to use the
body, the charioteer as it was designed for. I knew because my
higher self was witnessing and explaining it all in a knowing to the
child's body as the play unfolded.
